What If
by SlvrSoleAlchmst1
Summary: They had to end up on Kaminejima SOMEHOW. Lelouch regains consciousness and gets them there, reflecting on a few things along the way. This one's another Mittespiel.


_Author Note: As a writer, I like to think that I can put myself into the mind of any character whose perspective I want to write from. Even in pairings where I find it easier to write as one particular character, I can switch off if necessary. I prefer to write using Yzak, but I can write from Dearka's end. I love writing as Matt, but I can write from Mello's side too. I can write from Suzaku's perspective… but I have no idea whether I can write from Lelouch's. Eheh heh. I've never dared to try._

_It's very different with Suzaku and Lelouch, because I started out roleplaying Suzaku — getting used to his head and his head only, and keeping his actions close to my own. Also, I have a Lelouch I'm already used to, so writing Lelouch makes me feel like I'm impersonating THAT person as well as Lelouch himself. It's rather unnatural._

_BUT I DID IT. God, I hope it passes. Even a little. I REFUSE TO BE LIMITED BY MY OWN PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES._

_Er, keep in mind that this is my first shot though, hmm? I could use some constructive criticism from people who are more of an authority than I am. (cough cough cower cough)_

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Lelouch stirred. The first sensation to grace him as he regained consciousness was pain.

The Britannian opened his eyes to find himself staring at the inside of a cockpit. Dim light radiated from the console. Screens and meters blinked dully, and a buzzing noise droned from somewhere above. Lelouch's hand flew to the side of his head where pain shot through a spot above his right ear, but his fingers met the edge of a hard, smooth shell. His Zero mask. The realization that he wore his mask jerked Lelouch further into focus, and he looked around again from the spot where he sat hunched, his mind warming up like a hard drive. The cockpit was only built for one; the Knightmare Frame had been jerked into motion, and Lelouch hadn't been strapped in. He must have struck his head against something. That would explain the ache behind his temple. If he had hit his head that hard…. It was possible the Zero mask had protected his skull and saved his life. Lelouch cringed, aching to rub at the injury and assess the damage.

To do so, however, would require him to remove his mask.

Lelouch raised his head, peering through the tinted shield. He couldn't do that, because across from him was…

Suzaku.

The Japanese boy lay slumped across one side of his pilot's seat. His eyes were shut, his face pale as the armor of the Knightmare Frame they occupied. Suzaku appeared distinctly unwell. Perhaps even d—

For a split second, Lelouch felt his heart race in dismay.

Ah, but no. It was over almost immediately. No, Suzaku was still alive. He _had_ to be.

Lelouch had Geassed him.

Lelouch squinted his eyes shut in a vain attempt to force the image back. Suzaku's wide green gaze, his gasp as the panel in the mask slid aside to release a wave of influence that Lelouch had not intended to depend on…. Lelouch would have to forget it for now. He would cast the instance aside, for to dwell on it would not serve any purpose in his current predicament.

Lelouch focused once more on Suzaku, glancing down at the boy's waist to note that no safety belt had been restraining him. Increment by increment, memory presented itself. He turned to view the control panels next, finding the spot where his fist had sought to destroy the voice of the Britannian officer.

_Major Kururugi, you won't be dying in vain. We'll be able to bury Zero, the traitor to our homeland, once and for all! They'll be talking about your bravery for generations to come…._

Had Lelouch's fist upset the more minor controls? Shouldn't the Lancelot have a safety belt that was automatic, so that when Suzaku closed the hatch in the chaos, fired up his KMF, fled the blast of Hadron cannons, he wouldn't have to spend precious seconds strapping on his seatbelt? Or had Suzaku switched off the automatic buckling function himself? Come to think of it, it seemed like something Suzaku would do…. Lelouch gritted his teeth, cursing Suzaku for his foolishness.

_You're going to die…. Do you really not mind that?!_

Lelouch reached out a careful hand in his friend's direction. If Suzaku was unconscious, then he too had probably been…. Lelouch moved a section of Suzaku's hair aside. The waves bunched thick between his fingers; Lelouch could feel their coarseness through the scanty fibers of his gloves. Gently, he shifted the tousled strands to reveal a bruise on one side of Suzaku's forehead. The sickly-purple stain stretched across a lump where Suzaku, too, had struck himself on part of the Lancelot's interior. Lelouch let Suzaku's hair fall back into place, frowning.

Then he lifted both hands to his mask.

With a quiet hiss, it loosened and folded into itself. Lelouch removed it delicately, set it on the floor, and then pressed two fingers against the spot where the pain pierced his own head. He flinched. It was tender, and the fingers of his gloves came away sticky with congealing blood.

Nothing he could do about his injury just yet. At least he could function. He would have to wait until he was back with the Black Knights to get himself treated. Until then, the first thing to do was obviously to move Suzaku without waking him. He could slip around him, leave the Knightmare, and plot a route back the others. Surely the hatch would still open? Lelouch didn't remember Suzaku's frame taking too much damage, even while dodging the cannon blasts….

Something beeped a warning behind him when he moved to stand up, and Lelouch turned around to check the message on the left-most screen.

_OXYGEN LEVELS LOW._

Lelouch's mind whirred, and he stared at the bolded text. Oxygen levels? A Knightmare Frame drew air into the cockpit through a series of filters, retrieving its supply from the atmosphere outside. No matter where the fighting was taking place, no matter how much ash or debris thickened the surroundings, a Knightmare Frame could transfer clean air to the cockpit. There were back-up tanks of oxygen, but they only released when a KMF was trapped some place with no air at all. Buried under a mass of rubble and waiting for rescue, or—

Lelouch turned back toward the buttons and meters. His fingers flew over the control panels and he rebooted the frontal screen. It blipped to life and revealed the scene outside the Lancelot.

Blue. Deep and endless blue, much like sky, only it rippled and glittered, and a fish with silvery scales darted past.

They were trapped underwater.

Lelouch undid the clasp at the neck of his cape and let it fall to the cockpit floor, chuckling hollowly. He resumed his former position.

Escaping outside was impossible at present, then.

He sat still for a long moment, mind racing. The aerial mapping system had appeared to be offline, but the Lancelot was equipped with simple sonar. Lelouch snorted softly. Sonar — a sound pulse system used to gauge distances and objects underwater — on a Knightmare Frame built for ground combat. Until now he never would have thought to appreciate something so superfluous. He would have to be sure to tell Lakshata when she designed her new emergency system. As if to agree with him, the sonar bleeped. Lelouch read the measurements that sprung up on the screen.

Good. They weren't too far below the surface. The Lancelot would still move at the depth where they drifted, albeit slowly. The sonar showed no sign of land, however, and their oxygen was gradually depleting.

Lelouch sighed and glanced at the unconscious KMF pilot. "This is what you do when I tell you to live? Throw yourself into the ocean and then fall unconscious?" And what if Lelouch himself hadn't been there? Lelouch looked away, feeling the first signs of discomfort. Caught inside the Lancelot with a senseless Suzaku was the last place he wanted to be, but… there was nothing he could do just then. He would simply have to wait.

The Britannian tucked his knees up and slung one arm across them, gazing longer this time at the pale, drawn face of his friend. Eyelashes fell thick against his cheeks, and in his unfeeling state, Suzaku looked innocent. Naïve, even, like he had been when they were children. Too kind to be inside a Knightmare Frame.

Lelouch sighed. Suzaku had not needed to save anyone but himself. After receiving the order to escape alive, he could have easily tossed Zero out of his cockpit and _then_ fled. But he hadn't. Had Suzaku decided it would be easier to seal Zero inside with him? Had he wanted to keep Zero in one piece in order to turn him over to his superiors alive? Was it even _possible_ for Suzaku to be planning such things in the face of sudden death, and under the command of the Geass? Lelouch brought his other arm up and leaned his forehead against his knuckles, massaging away the myriad possibilities that assaulted him. No, it didn't matter why Suzaku had chosen to save Zero as well as himself. What mattered was getting to land, getting out of Suzaku's Knightmare Frame, contacting the Black Knights….

Suzaku groaned lightly.

Lelouch's hands flew for his Zero mask. He held it in front of his face, ready to replace it on his head should Suzaku's eyes flutter open. Lelouch monitored the boy's breathing; it came shallow and steady, as if he had not broken the rhythm to make a sound at all. Lelouch waited. Suzaku's eyes did not open. But a moment later, his brow drew downward into a frown that twinged with discomfort, and he stirred slightly in his chair, his breath catching as he groaned a second time. Lelouch went still.

Pain. Suzaku was in pain. Lelouch felt his own insides contract at the realization. He put his mask back down on the cockpit floor, hesitating. Did Suzaku's frame, perhaps, have a compartment somewhere that held first aid supplies? Lelouch scanned the walls in search of anything helpful. He located his gun in one corner — the one that Suzaku had taken from him when he'd received the order to hold Zero where he was — and tucked it back into its holster, but there was no sign of first aid. His gaze came to rest again on Suzaku.

Lelouch drew a shaky breath and imagined what C.C. would say if she were present. _You said you weren't going to use the Geass on him. Then you do, and you give him such an ill-planned command…. _If Suzaku was unconscious and didn't know that his life was in danger, would the Geass still work? If Suzaku didn't wake up, would he die? Lelouch's hands tightened. There was still so much he didn't know about his own power.

Suzaku stirred again, and there came another light moan. Lelouch's eyes snapped up to fix upon the boy's features. That flawless jaw line, the twists of hair that fell in disarray across his brow…. "Suzaku…." He hadn't wanted to. He hadn't wanted to use the Geass. Suzaku was his friend.

And yet.

Lelouch tore his eyes away from the Japanese boy's face. Suzaku had lied to him about his job in the military. If Lelouch had known from the beginning that it was _Suzaku_ who piloted the white-headed Knightmare Frame…. But it didn't matter now. There was no longer a guarantee that Suzaku could protect Nunnally, for Suzaku Kururugi was Euphemia's knight. He was a pawn of Britannia, and Lelouch would have to adjust to the information with his heart hardened against the irony. But what if there was still a way to convince Suzaku to join him? He'd been rejected by the knight already, but.. if only he could make Suzaku see reason…. They wouldn't have to fight. Surely there must be some tactic, some combination of words that Lelouch hadn't tried on him yet that might still change his mind….

Suzaku's shoulders tensed. "Nnh…."

Lelouch viciously cast aside his line of thinking. He couldn't turn back; he had to walk the path of carnage no matter who stepped in to block his way. Yes, even if it was Suzaku. _Especially _if it was Suzaku. Lelouch had been fighting with Suzaku all along, since the beginning, and Suzaku was unlikely to come around. What difference did it make now that Lelouch knew the identity of the pilot that had repeatedly risen to thwart him? Lelouch shifted position. Suzaku was stubborn, and a superior KMF pilot — perhaps even better than Kallen. He had been willing to sacrifice his own life to bring down Zero, and if Lelouch _hadn't_ used his Geass, Suzaku really would have been killed. No, there was no swaying Suzaku's resolution with reason. The best he could do now was to—

Another warning beep sounded, louder and more urgent this time.

_OXYGEN LEVELS NEARING CRITICAL._

Lelouch ignored it and glared bitterly at the sonar screen instead. He supposed that if they had to, they might try to swim for the surface…. Why did he have to care about Suzaku's wellbeing at all? Lelouch had no room for such sentiments. He needed to forge a new world for Nunnally. If Suzaku got in his way, refused to cooperate… then Lelouch would simply have to….

"No, I—"

Lelouch jumped at the sound of Suzaku's voice. He sat up straighter and examined his friend's features. Suzaku's lips were parted, and yes, he had indeed just spoken. The frown from earlier was darker now. Suzaku… was dreaming? Murmuring words in his unconscious sleep?

"Nngh… f-father…."

Lelouch froze, thunderstruck. Suzaku was having a dream about the late Kururugi? Lelouch took in the tension in Suzaku's figure, the beads of sweat collecting at his brow, and his digits went cold in response. Was Suzaku having a nightmare about having killed his own father? The longer Lelouch contemplated the possibility, the more likely it seemed. Suzaku's unconscious mind was treading in puddles that it certainly would have stepped over were Suzaku in control of what he envisioned.

On instinct, Lelouch wanted to shake his friend awake. To stop the images that played behind those closed lids, that painted horrors those green eyes had no choice but to soak in. Suzaku's eyes creased around the edges; his dream caused agony, guilt beyond comprehension. Lelouch looked away. _He's already killed the man once. Why must he dream it again? _And Mao… Mao had also forced Suzaku to relive it. _Let it stop._

But it didn't stop, for Suzaku still wore a pinched expression, and Lelouch would not wake Suzaku to stop it. The sonar had detected a landmass ahead, and if Lelouch could escape before Suzaku woke, before the air ran out, he would avoid a multitude of complications. He would have to bear witness to Suzaku's pain, just a while longer. Suzaku cried out once, not loudly, but it seemed to echo through the cockpit's interior nonetheless. If only Lelouch, as Zero, hadn't chosen to exploit his knowledge about the Prime Minister's death when he stood face to face with the Lancelot pilot…. The memories had been painful for Suzaku from the beginning, but Lelouch had only risked unearthing them again because he thought it might bring Suzaku around. If Lelouch had known it wouldn't work, would he have refrained from digging at Suzaku's guilt? Or had part of him done it out of revenge, because Suzaku had betrayed his trust first, hurt him first? The sonar alerted him that the landmass was nearing, and with a turn back toward the controls Lelouch shook himself free of his internal questions. Suzaku would always follow his orders, even the orders of _that man_, of Charles zi Britannia, and so Lelouch would have to bring him down.

A tremor shook the Lancelot, rattling the inside of the cockpit as the KMF met some opposition to its drifting. Lelouch seized the arm of the pilot's chair for balance. Suzaku slipped forward upon impact, but Lelouch caught him by the shoulders and pressed him back into his seat before turning to face the frontal screen.

Ah, good. Land.

Lelouch turned his back on Suzaku to take full control of the KMF. A wall of sandy brown had broken up the blue before him. The shoreline extended to meet them, just below the surface. Lelouch walked the frame upward to where the sunlight shone brightly, out of the water and onto the crunchy pebbles of a beach. The Lancelot's air filters began whirring, shaking themselves free of water, vacuuming in the oxygen from outside to fill the cockpit. Where—?

"Z-Zero…."

Lelouch blinked away Suzaku's feverish whisper and attempted to continue his thoughts. Could this be Shikinejima? How long would it take him to find a place to contact—

Ah_— Zero?_

Lelouch brought a hand up to shield his face and whirled at once, abandoning the controls. The KMF ground to a halt, and Suzaku Kururugi continued to speak.

"Zero, wh…."

But Suzaku's eyes remained closed. Lelouch let slip a muted curse, feeling a sharp relief mingle with his previous terror. _Damn it, Suzaku, shut up if you're still not awake._ He didn't have time to be jerked around. He leaned forward and touched Suzaku's brow, trailed the back of his hand down Suzaku's jaw line, but received no response. Still ill. If Suzaku were only faking unconsciousness, he would have acted by now, especially since Lelouch had his mask off…. Suzaku was out cold; there was no doubting that. But damn him, damn him for his sleep-talk….

Lelouch turned around and moved the KMF forward again.

Suzaku's voice rang weak and broken. "Y-you… you lied…." Lelouch pursed his lips, and Suzaku repeated the accusation twice more.

The sound of Suzaku behind him was suddenly too much. The KMF had climbed far enough up the shore, so Lelouch spun back toward his friend, allowing a cold, angry smirk to overtake his features. "That's right, Suzaku," he murmured, feeling icy and hot at the same time. "I lied to you. I have _been_ lying to you. But you have lied to me as well." He paused, pressing his lips into another tight line as Suzaku fell silent at last. What was he to do with the unconscious pilot? Leaving the Knightmare Frame on the shore was out of the question; it would only call attention to their landing point. No, Lelouch would have to get it back into the water, out of sight…. There was no time to destroy it, and besides, doing so might also garner him unwanted attention. In any case, he couldn't dally. Suzaku could wake up at any moment. His color was returning.

Lelouch donned his mask and cape, then opened the hatch, cursing the racket it made as it unsealed. He gazed from Suzaku to the beach outside and back again, his heart palpitating wildly. As cautiously as he could, he moved forward to take hold of Suzaku. He lifted him awkwardly, and then buckled under the weight. "S-stupid jock…."

He had to shift position twice. He dragged Suzaku along with one arm wrapped about the pilot's waist, while he kept Suzaku's arm linked over his shoulders for support. Lelouch tried to keep them both as upright as possible, but soon he realized that he wouldn't get far. He laid Suzaku down just out of range of the waves, aching to remove his mask in the heat, but refraining on the open beachscape. He climbed again into the Lancelot and set the autopilot on a course back toward the ocean, then quickly clambered down. From the shore, Lelouch watched the Knightmare Frame roll slowly for the waves, disappearing meter by meter into the blue, golden paneling glinting in the sunshine. He bent to unzip the collar of Suzaku's combat suit before sitting down on a rock a few paces away.

The wind clutched at his cape, and Lelouch let the breeze refresh him. Now, with Suzaku lying still on the shore, he could no longer hear the rhythm of the boy's breathing close by him. Instead he heard the breathing of the ocean as waves swept in and out, making a clatter of the pebbles that swirled in the eddies. Seagulls dipped and veered overhead.

What was he to do with Suzaku? He could bind Suzaku's hands and feet, take him captive… but where would he take him? The Britannian forces would surely send out search parties, and if Lelouch were to stumble across them before his Black Knights came to the rescue, they would take Suzaku back. Lelouch again contemplated attempting to wake the Japanese boy. He had reclaimed his gun; he could try once more to talk Suzaku into submission. Ah, no, it was no good. Suzaku had stolen the gun from him once already, earlier that day, in an example of his physical determination after talking had failed.

Lelouch squinted into the sun. Was there no way to make Suzaku join him willingly? Would he lose his childhood friend to the lies and betrayal that governed his rebellion?

Lelouch rose. It would do him no good to remain in the area. He would have to start moving if he wanted to escape. Without another glance at Suzaku, Lelouch turned away and faced the rocks and trees farther inland.

"Lelouch."

Lelouch's blood ran cold. He gripped his gun and pivoted sharply. Another unconscious slip. Please let it be. But his _name_…. It couldn't be— S-Suzaku was—? He looked down.

No. Not awake.

_Damn_ him.

And damn his own paranoia. Suzaku was still unconscious.

But Suzaku had spoken his name. Why? Lelouch kept still. Was it some kind of trap? Had Suzaku been awake the entire time, despite all signs to the contrary? Lelouch's head spun, but when Suzaku still did not move, he brushed his panicked theories aside. He waited another moment just to be sure, and then he advanced to Suzaku's side, standing over his friend's prostrate body with his gun raised. No threat came.

Suzaku's brow had knotted again. The fingers on his right hand began flexing and curling, as if the Japanese knight sought a grip on something out of his reach. "Le…louch…." Lelouch knelt, forcing himself to remain emotionless. "Lelouch… n…not yet, d-don't… go…."

Lelouch stared, thunderstruck. Then, softly, before he could help himself, "Suzaku, can you hear me?" Suzaku only rolled his head to one side and exhaled shakily. Lelouch fought to maintain control. Could Suzaku sense him, there in his state between consciousness and unconsciousness? If so, he may have already made some connection between Lelouch and Zero. Lelouch could not allow such a thing. This was dangerous; he ought to leave. If Suzaku suspected the slightest link between both figures, even now, even when senseless, Lelouch might have to finish him there on the beach. Not kill him, of course. No, that was nearly impossible now. But he certainly could ensure, if he had to, that Suzaku would never set foot inside a Britannia military headquarters again.

But Suzaku… what if Suzaku….

"Le…louch…." Fingers again, searching for their hold on something. Lelouch closed his own fingers into fists so that he would not be tempted to give Suzaku his hand.

"Don't, Suzaku," Lelouch insisted in a whisper, hating the look of innocent longing and confusion that had spread over Suzaku's features. "Don't think of me."

Suzaku didn't respond. Lelouch swallowed, watching tiny grains of the palest sand brush across Suzaku's cheek when the breeze picked up once more.

"Don't think of me," Lelouch repeated tonelessly. He had already Geassed Suzaku. If Suzaku discovered that Lelouch was Zero, here, now… then to what lengths would Lelouch be forced to go to make sure Suzaku didn't hinder him?

Suzaku stirred again. "Listen to me, Suzaku." Lelouch hated the way his voice threatened to tremble even through his Zero mask, hated that he cared, hated that he hadn't simply walked away. Hated that the pilot of the white-headed KMF had turned out to be….

"Suzaku, you're going after Zero."

"Nn… but I—"

"Zero," Lelouch repeated firmly. His throat constricted as Suzaku's face clouded over with something like discontent. "Lelouch is your friend, isn't he. You were fighting Zero — your enemy."

"Ah… but Lelouch—"

"—isn't here," Lelouch finished in the deep voice of Zero. He hovered another moment on his knees, looking down at Suzaku's smooth skin and lips through the tint of his mask, and then he stood, feeling dizzy.

Suzaku was slowly coming round; his words as he did so were babble, parts of nightmares, parts of dreams. If there had been any validity to the evidence in Suzaku's mind that caused him to mingle Lelouch and Zero as one, Lelouch had surely shut such suspicions down. Or at least, he would have to _believe_ he'd shut them down. If he hadn't, he would have to think about harming Suzaku. Lelouch's stomach twisted. No… he couldn't. He didn't like to believe it had come to that. There was still a way… there _had_ to be a way to avoid such complications. Lelouch would simply have to pray that when Suzaku awoke, he would forget what he had heard while semi-conscious. Yes, it was best that Suzaku forget everything. That way, he could continue to live on, normally, perhaps even to change his mind about justice one day, and to stay by Nunnally's side…. Lelouch headed for the foliage. He could not afford to remain near Suzaku any longer.

Zero indeed, Lelouch thought as he began the hike inland up the rocks. It was high time he became that man again, and fully. He cursed himself for letting the mask drop even for a moment, even around an unconscious Suzaku.

_A soldier has to follow his orders!_

_Hah — certainly easier than following your own heart!_

Lelouch shook his head and kept moving, refusing to look back at where Suzaku would be lying, a distant form on the sand, spread out on his back with his face to the sun. Moments like that were nothing but temptation toward something he could never have. Moments like that, alone with Suzaku, in the sunshine, in the quiet… they couldn't last. At least he had taken Suzaku to shore. At least he had been able to save him from dying at the hands of his own army. Lelouch loosened his cravat to allow the breeze to cool his neck, scanning the area for cover should any Britannian planes fly overhead.

But… what if Suzaku had awoken after all, and seen Zero without his mask? Would Lelouch have been able to threaten him then? Would he have _needed _to? Or would Suzaku have…. Lelouch's body ached from climbing, but his mind was already weary. He tried not think of the possibilities. He didn't have room for such unmerited longing.

What if he had stayed beside Suzaku, and given Suzaku his hand?

Down on the beach, Suzaku Kururugi opened his eyes and sat up.


End file.
